I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
