Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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