i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
