Soap is not a condiment
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hippo gnu deer
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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