she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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