what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
