im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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