tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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