Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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