and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
