The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
