my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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