Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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