Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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