So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize