Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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