Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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