Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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