He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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