I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dicks are not precious.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
