if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
