I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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