I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
