I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
