I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
