Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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