My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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