apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
