Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
