The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
