my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
