It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
