three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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