I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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