The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
