I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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