I'm gonna have a badass scar
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
