Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
