I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
