She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
