Where is the hickey?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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