I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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