apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
