Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
