I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
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you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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