I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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