I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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