i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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