he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
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