you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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