I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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