Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Less talking, more tequila
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
