I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
