Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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