So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
