I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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