update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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