I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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