Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
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i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
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All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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