I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
